First is something that I can't believe I used to do. Yes, I already have one of those. I've been a parent for SIX MONTHS and already I'm "looking back" on myself and saying wow, I can't believe I did that! I was really naive ... a few months ago.
So back when I was a super-duper new parent (five months ago) I held out on buying a swing, which is a first-time parent mistake if I've ever heard one. Swings can get pretty expensive and I wasn't even sure if our baby would like swings, so instead of getting something cool like this or this, I went with the obvious alternative:
|The cold, hard ground.|
I just put her down on the floor. Just right on the floor, where people walk and step on shit. Mommy has to go to the bathroom and I don't know where to put you, so ... here's a nice, wooden floor. And then she'd cry and I'd be like I DONT GET IT. You mean babies don't like lying on hard-ass floors where they can be stepped on? They'd rather be on a nice, pillowy apparatus that lulls them to sleep? Finally, one of us wised up and went to Target and got a baby swing.
She actually didn't like the swing at first. But we kept sticking her in there when she got cranky, and soon she realized that, oh yeah, swings are better than the cold, hard ground where mommy used to put me, and she'd go to sleep.
|DON'T STEP ON THE BABY PLEASE DERRRP|
My second Derp Moment is something I said I'd never do and then immediately did it when I became a parent: Co-sleeping.
Before I became a parent, I thought co-sleeping was the dumbest shit in the world.
|"Let's go bang in the car."|
|And it's spelled "Ellen," dumb ass.|
My husband weathered this patiently at first. He just kept swaddling her and rocking her and burping her. After a while, however, his eyes glazed over and the rocking became more frantic. He told me to scoot over and wedged her in the bed between us. June snuggled in and quieted down.
I was shocked. "What about--?"
"DONT CARE," he said, and turned back over and fell asleep.
She was only three days old, and already we were practicing "family bed."
What I've learned is not necessarily that co-sleeping is awesome or that any family should or should not practice it (we still don't have babies in our bed, and we like it that way). What I've learned is that you're an idiot if you think (like I did) you're going to "make" a newborn do anything. Bitch, that newborn owns you. Before I had a kid I was like, Well, if they want to sleep in our bed, I just won't let them. A THOUSAND LOLS.
|The baby is the boss. And she has you in an iron grip.*|
So, these are my derp moments, summed up for your judgment. Please feel free to share some derp moments of your own. And yes, you have some. Maybe not as derpy as mine, but everyone has one or two. And if you don't have kids yet, you too will have some derp moments eventually.
Especially if it gets you more sleep.
*worst photoshop ever